Septic Tank Truck sign reads:
"We're #1 in the #2 business".
Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a military hospital-door to endoscopes:
"To expedite your visit please back in"
On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no
charge,
close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory?"
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if
you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry .Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"
These great questions and answers from the original Hollywood
Squares TV show are from the days when game show responses were
spontaneous and clever.
(Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.)
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: Yes, if you hold their little heads under water
long enough.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at
least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false ... A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I
love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and $20.
Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more "growing older" question,
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'll be too busy
growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the
closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the
bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth
to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the
dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo!
Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- What
is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it sure isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs over 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its
sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years
old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did."
What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What
are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet
|