The Washington Post held a Style Invitational in which it was postulated that English has male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice, and explain their reasons
 

The best submissions...
 

Detective Novel -- Female
Because you're not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up.
 

Swiss Army Knife -- Male
Because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
 

Kidneys -- Female
Because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
 

Penlight -- Male
Because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright.
 

Hammer -- Male
Because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around and is good for killing spiders.
 

Tire -- Male
Because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
 

Hot air balloon -- Male
Because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there's the hot air part.
 

Web page -- Female
Because it is always getting hit on.
 

alternatively...
 

Web page -- Male
Because you have to wait for it to reload.
 

Shoe -- Male
Because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
 

Copier -- Female
Because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. or -
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. or -
Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
 

Magic 8 Ball -- Male
Because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
 

Ziploc bags -- Male
Because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
 

Sponges -- Female
Because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
 

Critic -- Female
What, this needs to be explained?
 

Subway -- Male
Because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
 

Hourglass -- Female
Because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom